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Banter: toilet tales

September 05 2018
A few printable tales collected by Jamie Jackson

Do you check for toilet paper every sit-down or do you lunge and let go? Either way, we’ve all had mishaps in the loo, so here are a few printable toilet tales

1. The most common has to be the sock wipe for me which happened this year in Sainsbury’s. It’s also happened in Tesco and at my Aunt Bertha’s.

2. Mayhem was caused in a bar in Majorca after I didn’t follow the doc's advice not to drink on antibiotics. When my pal cracked a funny joke, my guts sent a flurry so fast I didn’t even make it off my seat, let alone sprint to the loo.

3. After several sambucas, I’ve been getting down in a disco in Mykonos doing a bit of the local dancing style which is basically squats. The last left more than a mark on the dance floor. #nodignity

4. Do you have a friend that drags you from a restaurant or bar if they realise the toilets are even the slightest bit manky? #ido

5. I caused a massive queue in a club in Paris when I couldn't quite comprehend how to use the Turkish style squat loos. Things didn’t get better when I slipped and fell with my kecks around my ankles.

6. Let’s talk about douching, a French term for sticking something up your ass to clean it. All I can say is to the novice beware not to turn the tap up to full flow and most certainly turn it off before release or you could end up making a hell of a mess of someone's bathroom. If that were to ever happen...

7. I’m still getting flashbacks of the day when a dog I was caring for leapt on me playfully after having rolled about in what can only be described as the reddest human excrement I’ve ever seen. I thought it was curry until a millisecond later my nose caught up with my brain.