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Scottish Charity Register No. SC043760

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Banter: Bitter sweet banter

March 01 2019
Happy to be alive? Ruby’s tales of near misses

Happy to be alive? Ruby’s tales of near misses

  • I once jumped into a fourth floor window from the window of the building next door to see a band, coz I couldn’t afford a ticket. The band were shite.
  • Fell asleep against the electric heater in a loading bay and my sports top melted into my arm. It’s still badly scarred now, but they said it could’ve burned through to the bone.
  • Ketamine – I hadn’t taken it before and didn’t realise the folk I was with had built up a huge tolerance, so took the same. I don’t know what happened the next 12 hours and I don’t want to know. 
  • My mate had been squatting in an abandoned house for ages and I’d just moved in. I went upstairs to look round and as I came out, the floor fell in. My mate still blames me.
  • Years ago I took a job offer over 100 miles from where I grew up. Recently I heard that a couple of mates had died from drug- and alcohol-related issues. That would’ve been me if I’d stayed.
  • Working a cash-in-hand job on a dodgy building site, I fell into a deep, unlit trench on to a load of live cables. Site manager shouted down that I wasn’t getting any money for that day and walked off.
  • I woke up on the floor steamboats* to find I’d puked in my mouth and down my front. If I see anyone lying on their backs now, I shove them on their sides into the recovery position.

*For non Scots, steamboats = drunk