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February – March 2024 : The little things READ ONLINE


Banter: How to secretly live in the pub

A guide from Ruby

How to secretly live in the pub – a guide

1. Some pubs are warm and comfy with big clean toilets: you can wash, change, and spend a cold day there. Heavenly. Pub staff aren’t paid enough to give a toss what you do, so long as you’re not causing trouble or hogging space when it’s busy.

2. Usually it’s too expensive to eat in pubs, with exceptions like Glasgow’s Star bar, three quid for a three-course lunch. Though there’ll be a lot of folk eyeing your dinner wanting you to finish so they can get in too.

3. Make food last. Try leaving one chip and refuse to let anyone take the plate (this only works when you smile). If you can’t find a massive pub where you’re hardly noticed, find a wee one where they like you. You need to make them like you. Adapt your politics to suit and agree with the bar staff about everything, whilst occasionally admiring their shite ‘gap year’ jewellery.

4. Wetherspoons has banned homeless people, dogs and charging your phone but you can order with a phone app so you don’t have to leave all your stuff to go to the bar. You still need some bampot* to watch it when you go to the toilet mind. Never try pissing in a pint glass, it’s never that funny and you’re not as discreet as you think.

5. Ideally you want a big toilet cubicle with a basin. Don’t attempt anything complicated like a flannel wash and change in a normal size cubicle, you’ll just drop your stuff in the toilet, fall over and get your leg stuck under the door. No of course that didn’t happen to me…

6. In a pub your biggest outlay is that first drink. Which you let them see you honestly drinking behind a wall of menus/newspapers/books. Carefully top it up with all the cans you brought in (don’t bring in Buckie – they don’t serve it, so will spot your cunning plan). Done expertly it’s possible to reach oblivion gently over eight hours with one small glass of white wine.

7. Remember this only works if you’re not the roughest smelling person. Pub staff CAN chuck you out/deny entry for any made up reason, so don’t hand them any.


* For non Scots, bampot = crazy person