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Healthy living now that you're dead old

September 01 2019

Wit, wisdom and experience from Ruby 

  • It used to be we could take a header down a flight of stairs, bounce back on our feet and carry on dancing. Now there’s a danger we can break a rib turning over having a nap. So, get calcium and vitamin D tablets on prescription, those bones need to be tough.
  • I used to use other folk’s toothbrushes whilst idly trying to remember which Hepatitis it is you can get from sharing a toothbrush. Nowadays that sounds minging, besides, dentists will give a good, basic NHS clean.
  • Colourful scarves tied round your head look great: no one knows you’re just hiding that it’s gone grey, needs a wash or you’ve cut it yourself, in the dark.
  • No one wants to drink a lot of fluids if it’s a hassle getting to the toilet. Find pubs/cafes that do free tea and coffee refills for hours AND have a toilet. Absolutely cane the drinking then.
  • Have you noticed you’re not as angry now you’re older? You don’t want to be getting into fights and arguments, ugh the stress of all that. Let people move in front of you/ talk bollocks/support the wrong team. Do we still CARE about that shite anymore? OK we do, but not enough to take on Wee Mad Kenny.
  • Apparently older women are invisible to society. Well HALLEFUCKING-LUJA, I don’t want wee scrotes bothering me anymore. Yeah of course, l know you could still turn it on if you wanted to...
  • So many opportunities in life depend on what you look like, so be shameless. Folk want to help a sweet little old lady more than someone looking like they’ve chewed their way out of a cage and are looking for their next victim. What, that’s UNFAIR? Like we didn’t already know that.