Established 2005 Registered Charity No. 1110656

Scottish Charity Register No. SC043760

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Carry on farce

February 01 2023

The NHS faces cuts as demand grows. There is some hope, but, alas, found almost exclusively in the mind of the Pavement’s resident daft sod, Chris Sampson

The National Health Service faces more real-term cuts, due to a combination of Putin’s invasion of Ukraine, years of Tory misrule and – sorry to remind Sun readers of reality – but also Brexit shooing away all those foreigners you hate but who, it turns out, used to save plucky British lives after qualifying as doctors, nurses and suchlike.

“Gut luck, Englanders!” said Horst von Wurst, a heart surgeon forced to return to Berlin by Brexiteers (and, perhaps, to have his comedy German accent returned to the 1970s). “Ve haf left you ein first-aid kit, mit instructions!” he added, clicking his heels together in soldierly fashion, then climbing into his Messerschmitt and flying away. Only to be shot down over the Once-White-But-Now-Shite Cliffs of Dover by a Spitfire stretching its wings before a Battle of Britain anniversary flypast.

“Sorry, old bean!” said its pilot, Wing Commander Handlebar-Moustache, RAF. “The old kite couldn’t help itself; force of habit, you see…” Ahem. Other nationalities with even more stereotypical accents have also been forced to flee to their homelands, leaving the NHS shortfall to be filled by untrained Brits with a box of plasters, a plastic toy stethoscope and vague recollections of Hattie Jacques’s Matron in Carry On Up The Farce!

The burden on the health service is now such that the British Government has decreed that various disease and medical conditions will have to be combined in order to cope with increased demand.

Hence, Epi-leprosy (Epilepsy fused with leprosy – look out for limbs flying off during a fit!); then there’s Testicular Nipple (Testicular Cancer merged with Jogger’s Nipple); Whooping Appendicitis (self-explanatory); and even a three-way contraction of Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease (COPD), Urinary Tract Infection and Lisping, to create Chronic Urinary Lisp.

The writer himself suffers from COPD, Bubonic Plague and Lisping Milksop syndrome, so this isn’t in bad taste or anything. Honest.