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The monster

October 01 2025

A story about the symptoms of schizophrenia, by Chris Bird

At first, relations between the monster and l were broadly muted and diplomatic. I was aware of the low mumbling commentary that provided a background to my waking hours.

When l slept, the monster took a break. I thought of my mum a lot at night.

Soon l heard the monster’s voice describing my interactions with other people. “He is better than you,” was a common and regular comment. The postman, the caretaker, the random bus driver, the lost tourist were all specifically identified as “better than me”.

Derogatory invective was fairly constant but not overwhelmingly menacing. There was an everyday tone of resignation to the monster’s voice: “The biggest failure in the world is YOU.”

Later, the monster began to refine his approach. The general tone of his commentary became steadily more harsh and spiteful.

I walked in the park beside the shadow of the summer trees. Despite the heat, l felt more secure and comfortable with a heavy winter coat and dark, heavy jeans. I also wore sunglasses, even on overcast days, to attempt to insulate myself from the unsettling dismay and vindictiveness of the monster.

The monster lived inside the moving pattern of the day, blurring certainties and undermining my intent. He cast no shadow, no reflection. The monster stole glances from strangers and hurled them at me. Under the monster’s insistent instruction l shaved my head most days.

He often argued that l was “better off dead,” also that l had harmed my mum. I scratched my forearms to deter the monster. The monster appreciated this.

I let steam from the boiling kettle burn my hands, because Jesus had been nailed to the cross. The monster defined my world with chaotic surges of enmity. He dictated a map of references and responses. He breathed through my lips.

There was no beginning and no end to the monster.

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