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Scottish Charity Register No. SC043760

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February – March 2025 : Time READ ONLINE

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Life's sweet

February 01 2025
© Michelle Christopher © Michelle Christopher

Winter can be tough and the festive period especially so. Reflecting on times past and looking forward to the future, by Greta Gillett

Over the Christmas period, if you have been homeless or currently still are, there is often much reflection of Christmases past as a child, of those spent in hostels, on the streets, of phone calls to far away on borrowed phones, of emails or texts to estranged family.

And it all comes back: the feelings of shame, the deep dark sadness, the memories of being scared or feeling safe after having finally left your 'home' where you were very unsafe.

Maybe you’re like me, the years have passed and you are no longer homeless, you have got the magic housing association flat or council flat. You passed go and have got the security and stability of your own key and your own front door. Yet if you are like me, or like many of my friends and colleagues who are or have been homeless, you’ll find that some old habits die hard.

One in particular is that any time I'm in a cafe I would fill my pockets (plural) with sachets of sugar – brown for coffee and white for tea – sachets of ketchup and mustard, sometimes little bottles of soy sauce and wooden chopsticks and forks.

Compulsively I am ensuring I will not go hungry, I can put sugar in my tea or coffee. Heck, I can even make a sugar or ketchup sandwich.

In my cupboards are jars and jars full of sachets for just in case.

My eldest daughter, whose school friend’s mother had also been homeless, did the same and in turn I asked friends and colleagues and found it was a common habit.

Time passes and heals: now I have a flat and work part-time for the NHS, I manage my many hospital appointments (I have visible and invisible disabilities), I see three of my children regularly, I go to my therapist, I eat healthily, I save some money, I visit friends, and yet... 

I still pocket the sugar, ketchup, etc., etc. at any and every opportunity.

A few weeks ago I decided to challenge myself. To let myself know my disability benefits are secure, no longer are there wicked men waiting to drain my bank account on benefit day, no longer do I have to pay the exorbitant cost of hostels, or private rent to landlords who refuse to fix anything.

I have my weekly benefits and my part-time job of a few hours each week. I can take my children out to the cinema and buy them some new clothes. I can even buy myself noise-cancelling headphones to help with my autism and sometimes book myself a massage to help my sciatic pain, which causes such agony I'm often reduced to tears.

So little old me went to posh Marks & Sparks and bought myself some sugar cubes and put them into a jar ready for my morning coffee.

I still have much unlearning and healing to do. I still have to tell myself that the voices in my head telling me I will fail are neither real nor correct. For 2025 I am going to give myself the gift of love and reassurance, to say to myself “I will buy my sugar and enjoy it” and take my time with my coffee as I start my day.

< River of time Time moves on >
February – March 2025 : Time

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